Who am I? Who are you? Who are we?

If I know your name, do I know you? You are more than your street or email address. What about your age, gender or ethnicity? Is identity what I say it is? Is it what society says it is? I’ve been thinking a lot about identity lately and the community or the prison that can be made of it - both by myself and others.

As a girl and a young woman, I was privileged not to have to think about some things that are foundational questions for others. As a straight woman I never had to think about my place in society from that perspective. I felt comfortable in that description of myself and acted in ways that I was taught were acceptable and didn’t experience external or internal friction from that part of my life.

As a young woman who wasn’t married and didn’t want children, I fended questions daily about why and when I would begin to be absorbed into the path that was pre-destined for me. I worked conversational miracles in my ability to sense when such questions were about to take place so that I could get in front of them and maneuver around them. I found them invasive and hurtful, but there were no societal boundaries to protect me from them. Like superstitious villagers of old, it seemed that anyone straying from the norms needed to be rooted out and harangued until compliance was assured.

When I moved to a job in sales, one of the first things they taught us was to identify and find common ground. What? I was a unmarried woman with no children, pets, or sports affiliation. I no longer drank alcohol. Identifying common ground seemed an insurmountable task. Who was I in our American society? How would I identify, or more to the point, be accepted?

Clients come with pain that isn’t visible, but that is felt deeply. Others aren’t able to feel because the feelings have been pushed down or denied for so long that they can no longer be consciously accessed. When we try to comply with what we think society, family, church, friends want us to be without asking ourselves what is in our heart, discordant thoughts begin to form. Over time, they can create fear, anxiety, and an unwillingness to accept our very own beautiful hearts, soul, and humanness. We are each so precious and there is no-one else who is just like us. How wonderful is that? Instead of disparaging the term snowflake, we can embrace it!

Sometimes we need to change. We can let go of fears or anxieties. Sometimes, beliefs have been imposed on us that just aren’t true. In that case, we need to come to terms with living a life that doesn’t meet with the approval with some person or group we think matters more than our true self.

Maybe my identity is more than a label. Maybe I don’t need a label. Maybe my heart can connect with yours beyond the labels and we can meet as one human to another human. We feel hurts. We feel joys. We experience loss. We experience births, deaths, marriage, divorce, union, loneliness, appreciation, neglect. All of these are our shared experiences... reality beyond an instagram post.